In my goofy-idea department of past role-playing game characters, this one is right up there. When I was a teenager, we had been playing second edition AD&D for quite a while when everyone decided to roll up first-level characters for a new sword-and-sorcery campaign. I must have recently purchased The Complete Ninja Handbook or something, because I decided I had to play a ninja, which were kind of like fighter-thieves with a lot of special rules. Except, I didn't want any of the other players to know I was going to be playing a ninja. So I created an elaborate (to my mind) deception, in which I would purport to be a druid. Now, this Cunning Masquerade of Staggering Genius involved the following elements:
1. I wrote DRUID at the top of my character sheet in large caps, so anyone casually glancing at my character sheet would think that I was, in fact, playing a druid.
2. I had my character carry around a scimitar, since that was one of the few bladed weapons druids were allowed to wield under the rules.
3. I scoured dozens of optional rulebooks until I found a Nonweapon Proficiency named Cantrips that allowed a non-spellcaster to throw a handful of zero-level spells.
4. I told everyone I was playing a druid.
Now, you're probably thinking "Wow, with a disguise that perfect, no one would ever figure out that this purported druid was actually a ninja. And also, you, Jeremy, should move to Hollywood and work in movies because you are a master of illusion." Au contraire, believe or not, my veil of druid-ness (druidity?) was pierced!
I don't think I even made it through the first session before the others were all "Why don't you cast some freakin' healing spells?" That, and the fact that I couldn't have actually performed any cool ninja stuff unless it was through secret notes, rendered the whole concept pretty ridiculous.
I think the character lasted maybe two sessions before dying. My character sheet for him shows him at the sad state of -10 hit points, but only a few hundred XP from reaching the heights of Level 2. And I guess because I was so concerned with writing DRUID at the top of his character sheet, I never even wrote down his name.
Goodbye, unnamed Secret Ninja Druid, may you live on in some Valhalla-like realm full of idiots who never realize your hidden identity . . .
Hit Points: -10
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Level: 1 (XP: 880/1250)
Height: 6'1, Weight: 180, Age: 18
Saves: PPD 13, RSW 14, PP 12, BW 16, SP 15
Languages: Common, Special [Was "Special" my code for ninja handtalk or something?]
Weapon Proficiencies: Broadsword, Cutlass, Katana/Bokken, Khopesh, Longsword, Ninja-to, Scimitar, Chaise [What the hell is a "Chaise"? Isn't that French for "couch"? Was I proficient in couch-fighting?]
Nonweapon Proficiencies: Aki-Jitsu, Persuasion, Acting, Disguise, Cantrips
Base Thief Skills: Pick Pockets 10, Open Locks 15, Find/Remove Traps 5, Move Silently 60, Hide in Shadows 60, Detect Noise 10, Climb Walls 40, Read Languages 0