Alexious the Self-Decapitating Bard

If you've been in role-playing for a while, you may have noticed this phenomenon: when a new player makes their first character, the character is likely to be a bit of a conceptual mess mechanics-wise. The player, never having played in the system before, has only the foggiest notion of what abilities are going to be useful in the situations that one encounters most often (combat in most games, diplomacy in others). Such characters are almost lovable in their innocence and mechanical mediocrity.

However, you may have also noticed that some players very quickly learn how the system works and when they create subsequent characters, they min-max them to the fullest, often creating characters that are ridiculously one-note. (Hopefully, they game long enough to make it through this stage and return full-circle, to creating interesting and well-rounded characters). Most of the gamers I've met, either as director or as a fellow player, have fit this pattern.

I certainly did.

My first character when I was introduced to 2nd edition D&D, whom I'll post more about another time, was a Paladin. I wanted my second character to be a Bard (I think because I really liked the gleeman Thom from the Wheel of Time series). However, I didn't want an ordinary Bard who was just good at deciphering runes or doing a little pick-pocketing while entertaining in an tavern. I wanted a killing machine Bard. To that end, I gave this Bard (named Alexious) his highest ability scores in Strength and Dexterity, and his lowest ability score in Charisma. Furthermore, I, for some god-knows reason, outfitted him with katanas (the Japanese samurai sword--this, in a standard medieval D&D world). Not just one katana, mind you. I made him into a two-weapon fighting expert, and he wore both swords on his back in scabbards, like some sort of action hero. He also wore chain mail armor, which messed up a couple of his bardic abilities.

(Before telling of Alexious' tragic end, I'll note that I think the two-sword thing was the best way we could think of, mechanically, to make a low-level character more powerful; my friend who got into gaming at the same time as me made for his second character an "Animal Master" character who also carried around two swords and was basically just a Fighter with no specific abilities related to training animals).

So it's the second or third session, and Alexious is in a tavern. As often happens in these places, a drunken lout spills some ale on our "hero." An ordinary bard might have laughed it off and then fleeced the lout for everything he had, but not Alexious, the veritable Harvester of Souls. Alexious challenges the lout to a fight right there in the tavern. The lout puts up his dukes, but Alexious wins initiative, draws both of his katanas, and slashes to kill before the lout can even throw a punch . . .

I roll a natural 1 and we go to the critical fumble table. On the d100, I roll a 100.

Alexious decapitates himself, and is buried behind the tavern in an unmarked grave (after his companions loot his corpse).

It was a nice lesson in humility, and I'm a better gamer because of it :)

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ALEXIOUS

Level 4 Bard, Half-Elf, "Neutral Indifferent"

Black Hair, Red Eyes, 5'8, 165 lbs.

AC: 2
THACO: 19
Hit Points: 24

Ability Scores
Strength: 18
Dexterity: 17
Constitution: 16
Intelligence: 16
Wisdom: 17
Charisma: 15

Saving Throws

PPD: 13
RSW: 14
PP: 12
BW: 16
Spell: 15

+3 if mental, +3 if dodgeable

Attacks

Katanas (+1), d. 1d10+2
Darts (+3), d. 1d3+2
Knife (-2), d. 1d3+2

Weapon Proficiencies

Katana
Two-Weapon Style
Dart

Nonweapon Proficiencies

Singing: 15
Musical Instrument: 16
Reading/Writing: -
Local History: 15
Disguise: 15
Acting: 15
Forgery: 16
Juggling: 9
Etiquette
Cantrip (4+1/level): 14

Languages

Common
Dwarven
Elvish

Bardic Abilities

Pick Pockets: 20% (0% Chainmail)
Detect Noise: 20%
Climb Walls: 50% (25% Chainmail)
Read Languages: 60%
Legend Lore: 20%

Half-Elven Abilities

30% Resistant to sleep & charm
60 ft. infravision
Secret Doors

Kit Abilities
Influence Reactions (crowd save vs. PPD)
Rally Allies (+1 attack, 1 round/level)
Counter Song (save vs. spell)

Spells

Alarm