According to the rigorous statistical simulations recently undertaken by me and my diligent assistants at Nintendo, the 2011 NFL season will see the Browns go 16-0 on the way to a Super Bowl victory over the Giants. Colt McCoy will be the best QB in the league, while Peyton Hillis will fall 15 yards short of the rushing title.
Should these prognostications be borne out with uncanny accuracy, the world will have Tecmo Bowl Kickoff to thank. A remake of the NES classic, this Nintendo DS game has gameplay reminiscent of the original but lacks so much of its flavor: no real players or teams (which have to be renamed manually), poor presentation of stats, rare and vague injuries, and a transparently fake method of simulating non-player games (at least half end with a score of 17-7 with the exact same stats every time). It's also way too easy--that, or my well-honed Tecmo skills haven't diminished one whit in the past fifteen years. So after one season in the Tecmo League, I'm officially announcing my resignation--I hear there's an opening as head coach in my father-in-law's IPAD Madden 11 game. Here's my Tecmo Bowl Kickoff legacy:
Team Offence: 1891 rush yards, 1934 pass yards
Team Defence: 1284 rush yards, 812 pass yards, 48 sacks, 28 interceptions
C. McCoy 87/142, 61%, 1899 yards, 27 TDs, 8 ints, 121.93 rating
S. Wallace 1/1, 100%, 35 yards, 118.75 rating
P. Hillis 152 attempts, 1002 yards, 6.6 avg, 19 TDs (+ 3 receiving TDs)
M. Hardesty 82 attempts, 696 yards, 8.5 avg, 11 TDs (+ 2 receiving TDs)
L. Vickers 11 attempts, 77 yards, 7.0 avg.
C. McCoy 4 attempts, 45 yards, 11.25 avg
G. Little 29 rec., 698 yds., 8 TDs
S. Luchini 23, P. Bartels 13
J. Mauresmo 11, E. Margaglio 10, O. Faraday 6
S. Hodges 5 punts, 323 yards, 64 avg
P. Dawson 63 XP, 10 FG