I ain't 'fraid of no (holy) ghost!

FROM THE ARCHIVES (Daily Nebraskan columns)

I ain't 'fraid of no (holy) ghost!

Jeremy Patrick (jhaeman@hotmail.com)

The Daily Nebraskan February 26, 2001

"Querulousness of mind tends in fact rather towards irreligion; and it has played, so far as I know, no part whatever in the construction of religious systems."
--William James, "The Varieties of Religious Experience"

Dear Mr. Holy Ghost,

I don't really believe in you, and I hate to bother you because I know you're busy doing whatever Holy Ghosts do, but, you see, I have a rather pressing problem, and I think you're the only one who can help me with it.
I was reminded of your existence the other day after seeing these posters hung all over campus by the Abundant Life Campus Ministry. Apparently, the Ministry is putting together a Word Seminar for February 26 and 27. I believe the posters were written by George W. and proofread by Dan Quayle.
Anyway, to quote: "The baptism of the Holy Spirit is one area many Christians have avoided because of a lack of understanding, confusion, misconception and sometimes controvercy (sic). But the Bible has a lot to say about it. The Word Seminar intends to address this subject with an indepth (sic) Biblical view."
So if you help me with my little problem, I'll loan your servants my New American Pocket Dictionary. Admittedly, it's a few years old, but I still think it's a fair trade.
Now, I suppose my problem really deals with Matthew 12:31-32: "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven men, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. And whoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever shall speak against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age, or in the age to come."
You see, a few years ago, I came across this verse and thought I had stumbled upon a virtually foolproof way to get a little peace of mind from my Mom's and other Christians' constant attempts to re-convert me. I immediately blasphemed you, both orally and in writing, and thought I had therefore made myself immune to any future attempts at "salvation" (or should I say subjugation).
Now, the last time my dearly-beloved Mother mentioned that all atheists repent before they died, and that she would pray for me, I became flushed with excitement: I held the trump card! Or so I thought; after reciting the verse and telling her of my previous blasphemies, my Mom only paused for a moment and then said: "But Jeremy, you can't blaspheme something you don't believe in; so when you try to blaspheme the Holy Spirit, I know that you still, deep down, believe in it."
Now, you can't imagine my frustration. But what could I do? If my Mom was right, and I could only blaspheme you by admitting I believe in you, then that would kind of ruin the whole point. However, I received slightly different guidance from my friends at the Christian Apologetics & Research Ministry (www.carm.org). They informed me that: "There is no biblical support for a believer committing this sin. It just hasn't happened. Also, if you are worried that you may have committed the sin and can't be forgiven, then don't be concerned. If you are worrying about it, then you haven't committed it. If you are worried about it, then that is a sign that you have not committed it. If you had, you wouldn't be concerned."
I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, but admittedly, I don't exactly understand this passage. But from what I can make out, I'm in a pretty bad position.
If my Mom's right, I can't blaspheme you without confessing that I believe in you; but according to the Research Ministry, if I believe in you, I can't blaspheme you. What gives? I'm saved if I do, saved if I don't!
Like I said, I know you're pretty busy and everything, but if you could help me out with this I would really appreciate it. It's not like I'm asking you to give a coherent explanation of the Trinity or something. Maybe we can stipulate that if I knew how to blaspheme you, I would do so?
I mean, you've got to give me a little bit of credit: I'm doing the very best I can.

With the Utmost Sincerity,

Jeremy Patrick